Back in the days...
I wasn’t bullied and I had fun but whenever something was going on I was kind of left out or busy with other stuff. Played a lot of handball, 5 days a week if I remember correctly.
At the time I really cared what other people thought of me and I probably tried to hard or at times not hard enough. Remember someone commenting on what I was wearing and after that day I never wore it again. I remember a list that the girls in my class made consisting of three categories. Sexiest, cutest and smartest guy and a total overall winner. I wasn’t last on any of the lists but in the lower half or middle of them. Remember being a little bit sad that my name wasn’t higher up on the list. I guess I was the kind of guy you hardly noticed, invisible to some extent.
There was a girl in my class that I fancied but I wasn’t aware of the appropriate method of seducing her so to get her to notice me I teased her in various ways to get her attentions. I can understand now why this method isn’t the most successful. I have later on been told that the girl in question really hated me because of this and I don’t really blame her…however…looking back at it I didn’t really miss out.
Never really said what I thought about things, didn’t want to upset anyone and pretended to like certain music just to fit in and get acceptance.
Remember a girl I got together with during the summer before 9th grade more because a friend of mine fancied her friend but I was happy with anything and didn‘t want to be left out. The girl was about to start in the 7th grade in the same corridor as me but when I found out that she wasn’t that popular among her fellow classmates I ignored her for 2 weeks and she broke up with me. I couldn’t even break up with her on my own and of course the saddest thing is that I ignored her because of what other people thought of her and how it would make me look. Can’t believe I’ve treated a girl this way even thou I was 15 and immature. Crazy I tell you. In the same year I went to the Czech Republic since we had this exchange with a school outside Prague. During this trip I got together with a girl in 8th grade that was far more popular than I was and it was a bit of a surprise to me that we got together but I didn’t complain. I have later on been told that a lot of stuff was said behind my back and that they couldn’t believe why she was with me. It’s funny how people can be upset over other people being together just because they don’t play in the same league. How they can’t deal with it and they even can be bothered talking about it. I was aware of the difference in social acceptance but I was happy with just having anyone liking me. It didn’t work out in the end anyway but I wasn’t to fussed about it.
It is amazing how the mind of a 15 year old boy works and how I now, 7 years later can look back at it and laugh. How different I am now in the way I think and perceive things. Now I don’t care what other people think of me, I am the way I am and if that’s not good enough there’s hardly anything I can do about it anyway. I don’t longer hunger for acceptance and attention in the way I used to. If someone doesn’t like me that’s ok, I can’t really be bothered with what people think about me. I got better things to do. I wear whatever clothes I like and stand for my opinions. Sometimes I wish I was back in school but I knew what I know now. That I was as strong mentally as I am now.
I can look back at my old class and I think of what I thought of all my classmates and where they are today. Not my meaning to mock anyone for not making the choices I’ve made but I can’t really understand why I cared about what they would think of me.
Not really sure what people thought of me back then, since it’s all just a matter of how I’ve perceived it, or what they might think of me nowadays.
Do they like me, do they envy me? Do the girls that didn’t like me back then now find me attractive?
The thing is, I don’t really care anymore, and thinking about things like that could drive a person mad. I got people that I know likes me for who I really am and they know what I think about them. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else.
These are the rules that I live after…
Take everything as it comes.
Do anything as long as you’re happy (and it doesn’t hurt anyone.)
Be yourself.
Simple rules that now makes my life easy and trouble free.
Åh... du är så klok och du formulerar dig så bra. Det som du skriver om är nog nåt som de flesta tänkt/tänker på, men du har så skön inställning till dig själv. Jag tänker också att jag struntar i vad andra tycker och tänker om mig, men sen när det väl gäller så nog attans bryr jag mig. Vill passa in och vara som alla andra. Hrm.. hur kommer man ifrån det? Kan jag gå kurs hos dig, eller?
Tänker även på det du skrev om brudar när du var yngre, att du inte var populär. Låter så hemskt och lite tragiskt. Men så kom jag på att det är ju så jag har det nu, och det är TRAGISKT!!!
Fortsätt att skriva din blogg, jag läser den tycker att det är jättekul att få lära känna dig ordentligt. Även om du är min bror så är det roligt att få ta del av ditt innersta.
Kram Nina