So...
Went back to Sweden for 2 weeks and that was really nice, haven't been back for a year so it was about time. Went to a christening, a good friend of mine had a baby a while back and I was given the honour of being a godfather....some responsibility I must say. Lovely little boy and I'll do my best to corrupt his mind, hehe.
Another thing that hit me is that things are so much easier in Sweden, and cheaper. Just things like rent and food I kind of forget about when I'm in London. Almost felt like moving back just for the simplicity of it all but it's not time for that just yet. I got other plans to see to first. One of them being to save up some money, do a TEFL course and head off to Asia and work as a teacher.
But we'll see what happens...first there's summer....
I'll try to update this site more often from now on...
Internet - Good or Evil plus other random nonsense
As my internet access has been very limited lately I have been pushed to reclusion from the people I keep in touch with on a regular basis. I usually check my emails daily and most of the time you'll find me on MSN and I tend to use internet more than telephones when it comes to arranging to meet up with people. To some extent one could say that I was partially addicted to the online world and all it had to offer. I've now had 3 months without internet at home and I'm not that bothered anymore and checking my emails once a week is more than enough, even thou I'm on the +30 messages in my inbox each time which can be both fun and tedious depending on the amount of "You've won 1 Million dollars", "Hi, I'm a priest from Ethiopia, please send money now", various newsletter subscriptions and facebook notifications of someone tagging me in a picture or sending me a message.
I used to feel like I had to be online as a part of my daily routine just to see what I could find next and what I could spend a couple of hours on and that if I wasn't online I might miss 10 minutes of formality saying hi to friends back home just for the sake of keeping in touch. Not that I don't want to talk with them but the conversations usually follow a certain pattern with "how are you?" and "how is Uni going?" and the occasional "have you got a girlfriend/boyfriend?" and the insignificant but yet so common "what's the weather like?". And it's seldom more than that but I guess our life's aren't as intertwined as they used to be so it's natural and we can't or don't' want to cut that bond we once had when we all lived in the same place. Not sure if I'm forgotten about over here or if I've changed as a person and that we don't have as much in common any more. Could also be the fact that guys in general aren't the best at those kind of things and that we don't need the confirmation that someone is our friend, maybe we are so good friends that we don't need to stay in touch and I believe that's possible as things are usually back to normal once we meet up. Unfortunately I don't have any good female friends back in Sweden so I can't say if there's any difference and family is not included in this irrelevant social analysis of my life, various thoughts and behavioural patterns. Random thought number 2; Why is it that I have so many good female friends here but not in Sweden? Hmm....I'll leave that for another day.
I also find that I spend more time talking with people I don't know that well or that I haven't known for that long and that we somehow open up to each other more than people I'm good friends with. Maybe the anonymity of the online world does that to people. As a note these are people I know who they are and have met but don't really hang out with, but from what we've shared online I know more about them than I do about some of my childhood friends. Thoughts and opinions about certain things and personal information about family and friends and any problems they might have. Maybe I'm easy to talk with and that's why they open up to me and the fact that I know how to deal with a lot of things make me a good source of advice for them. I think that people want an honest opinion from someone who isn't clouded by a close friendship and the tension of talking about serious issues face to face. I might not be as honest in a normal conversation as it is instant and an online one gives you those extra seconds to think out a decent answer.
So what else held me by this devilish grip? Well not much to be honest. Keeping active on communities can be a chore and as it is now I can't always be bothered to reply to 10 wall posts on facebook as I'm sitting in a rundown internet café in south Ealing and paying per 30 minutes I sit there and this follows on to everything else I used to do online. I often spent hours looking at videos, Youtube, or hours on end trying to find new interesting music, films and games that I could consider buying.
Remaining hours were left to play online games or reading through forums or web comics.
Was also hooked on Wikipedia as a source of, somewhat, reliable information for everything I might come across that I don't fully understand or want to know more about.
But it's small things that I really miss, the constant source of information and comfort of just being able to check if there are any delays on the tube or when and what is on at the cinema or the results from the handball clubs back home or look up the name of the actor in that movies I watched the other day. I can easily live without these things and I've proved that to myself now but it just feels like a shame to let all that information go to waste as we all strive to be as comfortable as possible. Might even go as far as saying that it's the way of the 21st century.
So has my life changed in any way as I don't have a connection at home? Has my social life improved as I'm forced to occupy myself with different things? Unfortunately not. It's not that I don't want to do things but the problem here is that I'm now working 5 days a week and that I find it hard to find people willing to do things after eight a clock in the evening, as I work till seven, and I don't really feel like going out to do things on my own. Weekends are the same and I'm left with Sundays and Mondays off so going clubbing till 6 a clock in the morning on a Friday can be done but might not be recommended when you start work at 11. Of course these are only bad excuses and it's up to me to sort something out instead of staying inside watching TV or DVD's and playing videogames. I have to take my spare time into my own hands and make the effort to plan something and then just do it. I want to get out and meet new people and by staying in I'm not really getting any closer to that desire.
My follow-up question here is of course "where do you go to meet new people?", and I'm not talking about going out to the local pub or meeting new people as in trying to chat someone up. I want to expand my social network, make new friends and by doing that learn new things and get a different view on things. I've had the same friends here in London for the last three years and I'm not complaining but I want to see what else London has to offer.
So where are these new people I want to meet? Are they hidden away waiting to befriend a socially starved Swede? Should I join some sort of club, maybe get involved in the whole vegan scene a bit more or perhaps something that plays to my nerdy interests?
I could always walk up to strangers in the street and ask them to be my friend and just maybe that will work. It's however unlikely as I find most Londoners are very reserved when it comes to talking to complete strangers on public transport and in the middle of the street. But we can always play the number game, if we ask a hundred people at least one person is bound to say something interesting.
Well enough with the ramblings...this was actually written a couple of weeks back and as I update this we actually just got internet t home but I feel like it's still worth a place here.
London bonanza
I haven't written anything in ages so I thought it was time for a short update of my life as well as referring to my previous entry.
I got my final mark and I'm very happy to say that I've graduated with a first class degree. Not sure what that means in regards to getting jobs or anything but I couldn't do better so I don't really have to worry about that.
However. On the job front there?s nothing new so I'll keep on looking. I need connections within the media business. Well well. Better find something soon as money is essential if you want to pay bills, travel to various places in London and eat food as a mean of survival.
Found a new house so I'll be moving to Ealing in a couple of weeks. Some new people to live with and a new location. Not 100% sure what to think of that so far but I think it will be alright. I'll miss Shepherds Bush but then again it's just 20 minutes away on the tube.
What happens now?
Moved into a house that was way bellow the Swedish standards I was used to, but then I'm not fussed and adapt easily to everything. Orange wallpapers and a brown carpet in my room, no common room of any sort unless you count the conservatory which was freezing for most of the time, a really small kitchen and a shower with no water pressure whatsoever. On top of all that I was now living with three complete strangers, a mumbling Englishman, a crazy dutch/portugese girl and an energetic/hyperactive Swedish girl.
With time they all turned out to be decent people, haha, I was probably just as weird to them as they were to me. I enjoyed living with people since you always had some to talk and hang out with and you almost become a small dysfunctional family.
University started and I found myself on top of what was asked of me as I'd done most of the things before. It made me question if it was going to be like this for three years or if it was going to get better. It got better. As to the whole language issue I had no problems understanding what was said in lectures and writing can always be spellchecked. Worth mentioning is that everyone had to do a key skills test in the beginning of the course to test your English, maths and computer skills. This was to see if you needed special tutoring, and if I may brag my English grammar skills surpassed many of the English peoples which I found very surprising. Speaking however was harder as I had to think about what to say in Swedish before I said it in English and after I made up my mind about what to say they've all moved on to a different subject. I could easily get myself understood but I was often fishing for hard words and had to use 5 words instead of one to explain something. As I improved further and got more confident I slowly started to think in English and I can now speak and write without thinking about translating it from Swedish first.
The first year went on without any hassle and I passed all my modules. I spent a lot of time with the mumbling Englishman (Jon) and his English friends so that helped a great deal with learning how English is actually spoken. I also got to see some of the cultural differences not seen at all among the people I hang out with back in Sweden. It was interesting to see how accepted certain things are over here but at times it felt like you were in a movie since it all felt so unreal. I've now gained a different perspective and am way more accepting to this compared to before I moved to London.
Second year of Uni was coming and right before that started I moved in with Jon and two friends of his from his course. We soon became friends and we're almost like a small family at times. I must say I really enjoy living with people, there's always someone around that you can talk and hang out with. If you need your privacy you always have your own room to go to. By living with other people you push your rent down since it would be hard to afford a place on your own as a student. Of course there are other issues you have to deal with when living like this. Paying bills and cleaning duties can cause irritation if not dealt with in the right way.
Second year went just fine as well but I felt more pressure since you now had to get a good mark compared to the first year when all you had to do was pass the modules. The pressure to get a first can be quite tough and I've always been quite slack when it comes to school and now Uni work. It was often a case of last minute efforts instead of dealing with the assignments in time. In a way I've been really lucky so far as I was still able to get good marks. Well, enough with the bragging.
Third year came as well and now the pressure built even more as you could tell the lecturers demanded more from you regarding quantity and quality. The two first years were so easy in comparison and I've never worked as hard with assignments as I did in the last year. Hardly any last minute efforts here, well a few but still a big difference to previous years. So now I'm sitting here waiting to hear what my marks might be and if I'll get my degree at all. Will I get a first or perhaps a 2.1? Who knows and I can't be bothered to worry about it, nothing good will come out of that anyway.
Is it time to grow up and sort out my life? I hope not. I want to be who I am now, or maybe I've already transcended without realising it. I'm. So I guess it's time to start looking for that.
Will I be able to find anything related to what I've studied or am I doomed to a life at the local Tesco? We'll just have to wait and see.I love London and feel that I want to stay here. I even have friends here now, believe it or not.
There are also thoughts of heading to Japan in a couple of months to see if I can find a job there as an English teacher. I might even look for a job in Sweden; in that case it will be in Stockholm or Gothenburg. Have no plans to move back to my hometown. My name was mentioned in the local newspaper regarding returning home to play handball with one of the local teams, I wasn't aware that that was my intention. Haha. If I run out of money and can't find a job in London that might be what will happen but not as it stands now. But nothing's been decided so far and that's how I like it, to take things as they come and just enjoy each and every moment.
To begin with: summer. And then we'll see...
Am I a nerd perhaps?
I'm, per definition, what you would call a nerd. Certain interests of mine are associated with being a nerd and I spend a lot of time in front of my computer. I'm not one of those stereotypical nerds with glasses and acne problems. I do have a social life besides my nerdy interests and I exercise regularly. I believe I'm well balanced regarding how I disburse my time between my nerdy life and the other parts of my life. I don't get lost completely in my interests and forget about the world around and I make sure I prioritize the right things.
You might wonder so far from this brief introduction what my nerdy interests are.
First of all I'm a videogame fanatic. I've played numerous games on all sorts of consoles and there's no way I can mention them all but here are a few.
NES classics like Super Mario, Mega Man, Zelda and Bubble Bobble. Old SNES classics like Zelda: A link to the Past, Terranigma, Breath of Fire 1 and 2, Soul Blazer, Chrono Trigger, Super Castlevania, Illusion of Gaia, Final Fantasy 4-6, Earthbound and Secret of Mana 1 and 2. Classic Sega games like Sonic, Toe-Jam and Earl, Super Hang On, Alex Kid and Phantasy Star. Playstation games like Final Fantasy 7-9, Final Fantasy Tactics, Xenosaga, Resident Evil 1 and 2, Alundra and Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.
Playstation 2 games like Katamari Damacy, Final Fantasy X and X-2, Metal Gear Solid; Snake Eater, Star Ocean, PES, GTA Vice City and San Andreas, Resident Evil 4 and God of War.
Zelda: The Windwaker for the Gamecube and plenty of old adventure games for PC like the Monkey Island games, Normality, Day of the Tentacle, Sam and Max, Beneath A steel Sky and Simon the Sorcerer.
All these games are games I remember and enjoyed playing and they all have a nostalgic value to me. They might not be the best games and I've probably forgotten quite a few as well.
For the last couple of years I've been a Playstation guy. Xbox and Gamecube doesn't have the same range of games that interests me so it seemed like the most obvious choice. I'm really into my RPG's(Role Playing Games) such as the Final Fantasy games and I'm currently playing Final Fantasy 12.
Video games give me an escape from reality and gives me the opportunity to experience things not possible in real life. To save the world, fly dragons, roll big balls or freely use different sorts of magic. To feel like you're helping someone and making a difference to the world you're currently playing in. To feel with the characters and feel happy when things go well or feel sad when someone dies. All these aspects make video games really enjoyable to me and the hours easily pass by.
Another game related activity I really enjoy is the whole interactive game play that you see more and more of these days. Stepmania/DDR and similar games where you dance by pressing arrows with your feet at the right time is really addictive as well as it gives you some exercise. Guitar hero works on a similar basis but instead of dancing and pressing on arrows with your feet you use a plastic guitar and press buttons to simulate the playing of a guitar.
Nintendo Wii with its motion sensitive controller leads you into a different path of video games where you play by moving the controller to be able to control your actions. Wii Sports with its tennis, boxing and bowling can give you a reasonably realistic experience since you face the TV and swing the controller as if you're actually playing tennis or box with them as if you're boxing. To add further to the exercise it is recommended to by wrist weights and play with those, it does work and you will feel it the day after. Wii is still new and I believe we can expect to see more advanced game play as game developers take full use of this technology.
The second thing that is a part of me being a geek is that I am really fascinated with anything that's Asian, especially Japan. In this case we're mainly talking about Japanese Anime and Manga but also Asian movies in general.
I started watching anime, as in being aware of it being anime and not just another cartoon, when I was around 15 and I'm 23 now so it's been a while. First thing I saw was Neon Genesis Evangelion. I was hooked from this point. I clearly remember things like Ninja Scroll(not great) and Flame of Recca from the early days. It was then that I was introduced to Studio Ghibli and Tonari no Totoro. Studio Ghibli does something with their movies that just mesmerises me. They are often quite political but also very entertaining as a full out family movie. I could ramble on for hours on how amazing they are but instead I'll just mention some of their work and then it's up to you to experience it.
Spirited Away, Mononoke Hime, Pom Poko, Cat returns, Howls Moving Castle and the first animated movie I cried to: Grave of the Fireflies.
Anime fascinates me mostly because it has no boundaries and the story can involve exactly anything. Giant robots, high school drama, fighting or just an epic adventure in a magical kingdom.
There are so many series I've seen and the number of hours spent are ridiculous so I won't even try to estimate but I'll give you a few numbers to think about it. An average episode is around 20 minutes. A series is usually 13 or 26 episodes but there are plenty of series that goes over 100 episodes(One Piece over 220 at least and counting). I've probably seen more than a 100 series so I'll leave the rest to you.
A couple of series worth mentioning that I remember from the years of watching are: GTO, Rurouni Kenshin, Monster, Full Metal Alchemist, Samurai Champloo, Grappler Baki, Planetes, Golden Boy, Cowboy Bebop, Gash Bell, Air Gear, I my me strawberry eggs, Initial D, Welcome to the NHK, Paranoia Agent and many many more.
Most people do however react when you say you watch cartoons and comments like "That's for kids" or the ever so common "I can't watch anything that isn't in English". I must say that all those people are loosing out but it's their loss and not mine.
I've read quite a bit of manga as well but nowhere near as much as the amount of anime I've seen. Got a small collection of books but it's not really something to brag about.
Another fascination is Asian movies. After I saw Seven Samurais by Akira Kurosawa I was caught up in a way of storytelling not often seen in the western world. The difference in narrative compared to Hollywood is great and I enjoy new things. Quite a few Asian movies can be hard to comprehend but after a while you understand what is going on. American movies are often to obvious since they think that the viewer is stupid and needs every detail explained. The issue of "Everyone looks the same!" is just matter of getting used to it. I've seen a lot and now I'm quite good at telling where in Asia people are from by how they look. Japanese, Chinese, Thai or perhaps Korean?
I enjoy the old Chinese martial arts movies not because they are so good all the time but because they are often hilarious. Modern Japanese and Korean cinema is also really great or really obscure. HK director Stephen Chow with Shaolin Soccer, God of Cookery and Kung Fu Hustle is one of my favourites. Japanese director Takashi Miike is another favourite and creates compelling films but also low budget movies that you'll never see the likes off. Happiness of the Katakuris, Ichi the Killer and Visitor Q are movies I'm not sure I wanted to see but I'm kind of glad I did since I'll probably never see anything like it from anyone else.
Korean director Chan-Wook Park, who has directed Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy and Lady Vengeance, has a dark and beautiful style and is well acclaimed. Thai comedy Iron Ladies about a gay volleyball team, based on a true story, is really funny and probably the only Thai movie I've seen.
Other movies well worth mentioning are Infernal Affairs(Trilogy), 2046, Battle Royale, Blue Spring, A Bittersweet Life and Nobody Knows.
I also find Asian women the most beautiful among all different ethnicities. This probably derives from my obsession with Asian things but it could also be because it's something I didn't see very often back in the north of Sweden. However liking girls detracts from the importance of being a nerd.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to warn you about some crazy Asian related things. First up on that list is Hentai, anime porn. Violent, crazy and often very bizarre.
Number two is the Japanese Guinea Pig box set which is basically four or five films showing torture for 40 minutes. Not really much of a story and to its defence I must say it's quite well done for its time and with what I guess a limited budget. There were rumours of it actually being real back when it came out. If you enjoy watching people getting cut in their eyes or pulling out nails you'll love this.
Other interests of mine that gets comments is the fact that I do Parkour (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parkour). "What's that running around and jumping over things?", "Up to no good are you?". I just ignore it as I ignore any comments about what I like and do. I'm proud of my interests and I really enjoy them and I intend to do so for a long time. I know I mentioned me being a nerd but to me there isn't really such a thing as being a nerd. It's just a matter of a difference in views and interests. If someone likes model trains I would probably consider that person a nerd but that's just because I don't share his interest and not many people do. Be proud of who you are and feel free to stand out, it's good to be an individual and not a part of everyone and everything else.
Girlfriends and break ups....
Time once again for my thoughts to be expressed through the medium of text. This time I'm more specific about things than I usually am and even more personal. I mean no harm with what I write.
A while back I wrote "Happy days are here again...sigh...". For those who hasn't figured it out already I can tell you that it was a result from me feeling down about a girl I'd just broken up with.
I wrote that life goes on and I still stand by that.
It was a good break up, if there are any. No one cheated on anyone as far as I know and we decided to still be friends. I was devastated and it wasn't what I wanted at the moment but I'm realistic and deal with problems as they appear.
I wasn't very happy for a while after that but I made sure to keep myself occupied and I thank all my friends that made sure we had a good time as we always do. I've dealt with being sad and I can honestly say that I don't want her back. She was and most likely still is an amazing girl and I appreciate the time we had together. It's been a while since I felt like that for someone and it's good for me to know that I can. It wasn't the longest relationship by any means but feelings came remarkably fast. I think it's important to say that I hold no grudge whatsoever and I'm looking forward to see what the future has planned for me.
After I broke up with the girl I was with before this one I was devastated and I thought I'd never find anyone like her. We broke up under similar circumstances and we decided to be friends after a four year relationship from an early age. I was ok as long as I didn't see her and I lived a normal life and I didn't think about her at all. However when we met, all emotions came back and I was more or less a wreck even thou I didn't want to. It took me about 8 months to get over her completely and now we have a fully functional friend based relationship. She has a new boyfriend and that doesn't bother me one bit. I'm over her and I've come to realise that she might not have been my perfect match, no offence of course. We had an amazing time and she was my first love and I'm glad it was her. I believe that relationships started when you're young won't last a life time but there are of course exceptions.
This experience, from my previous relationship, helped me a lot when dealing with my latest break up and things were sorted out faster. I've matured as a person and know how to deal with my emotions in a good way. In a break up there is always one person that is considerably more sad than the other one. I've taken on this role twice now but that's ok by me. I've come back every time and I always smile.
I see this girl at the university quite often and I found it hard in the beginning but now it's alright. Things are however not always as they appear. I've tried to keep it all on a friendly basis and said hi and asked her how she was doing as you would with anyone you know.
She has however been avoiding me and acted weird whenever I appear. To this there are a few options on why. Maybe there's more behind it all than I first thought and she wants no contact with me due to those reasons. She might still think I want her back and therefore feels uncomfortable when I'm around. She feels bad due to the break up, guilty conscious and all that.
To be honest I don't care what the reason is but I find it easier to tell someone what I think and feel instead of avoiding them when we're bound to bump into each other ant Uni. I did that kind of thing when I was around 13 to a girl and it's not really a nice thing to do I think.
I don't expect anything but a bit of honesty would be nice, if not for me but for her own sake. I wasn't the one that mentioned us being friends but I would like it to be that way but it seems she can't deal with that.
So be it. Such a small problem that I've probably wasted valuable time writing this. I'll keep up my smile and I will talk to her if I see her until she says something. If only to annoy her or due to me actually wondering how she's doing makes little difference at the moment. It's quite easy to tell me to fuck off, I don't mind.
I will not hide behind people and pretend to be on the phone when it's obvious I can see her. But that's me, maybe I've missed out on how to deal with a break up.
I hold no grudge towards her and I'm not angry at anyone. It's not in my nature to be angry at people no matter what they've done. Whatever she does with her life from now on I'll support her but from the looks of things I'll have no further part in her life.
I'm ok with that. It's a shame thou...
Girl on the Tube....
What do you do when you see an amazing girl on the tube and looks and smiles are exchanged? You are well aware that she will get off shortly and you’ll probably never see her again. Do you seize the moment and approach her? Do you really have the courage to do that? What do you say? Would that make you look like some pervert or is it a sweet gesture?
I, as you might have guessed so far, did nothing. I thought long and hard about it but then the train arrived at her stop and she left with a smile. I didn’t have a clue what to say and the fact that she was with a friend or a family member made the whole scenario even harder. Should you just give them your number or email and then let them make the decision? Is it appropriate to do something like that or should you respect other peoples privacy while commuting? If this would’ve been in a club no one would care if I approached her and neither would she. Is it more flattering and does it show greater initiative if you do something like that? As always I think to much and the opportunity disappears even before I can make a decision. I know now where she lives, maybe, and that area isn’t the biggest but then again this is London and I don’t want or have the time to stalk people.
Damn you rules of society. Who really decides what’s right and wrong anyway? Should I care what others might think at all? For another time I might do things differently, most likely not thou….
Happy days are here again...sigh...
Life is a mystery , some of us are more aware of this than others. Things don’t always turn out the way you wish but most of the time you’re aware that there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. These are the hardest things to deal with. If you’ve done what you can and things still don’t plan out you might feel bad about it but you know inside that what you’ve done was your best and it is therefore easier to deal with. When things are outside your control you can’t do anything else than accept the inevitable and try to keep up your spirit. Time is the best cure for most things, doesn’t make it easier but you’ll forget soon enough or at least not care as much as you might do in this moment. I accept all things in my life with a smile on my face, or at least I try. I always take in consideration that things could always be much worse and that there’s nothing that will change certain things and worrying about them will just make you mad. I don’t like everything that happens to me or certain things I have to do but I endure them and live on trying to learn from everything.
I’ve so far in my life experienced things that made me smile and laugh so hard that I‘ve cried. I’ve cried so much that I’ve laughed and I’ve felt like there was no tomorrow and that nothing else mattered. I’ve been madly in love and I’ve had people who loved me. I’ve felt more or less every kind of emotion at one point or another in my life. All these feelings has shaped me into who I am now and I know how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. Like I said, I’ve been sad but that hasn’t stopped me in any way and it never will. Just because things go against your inner wishes doesn’t mean you should stay inside everyday crying or feeling sorry about yourself. Life goes on and for all we know we only have one chance so we might as well make the best of it.
I’m quite an emotional person but my appearance and the way I am would easily deceive anyone. My family would most likely think I held it all inside but just because I don’t cry in front of them doesn’t mean anything. My personal opinion is that I think it is healthy to show your emotions when there’s a time and a place for it. I don’t believe you should keep things to yourself. You should always be honest with what you think and feel and share it when necessary and appropriate.
I find that I have to share what I think with people it might concern and I would probably go mad if I kept it to myself. Not everyone like this approach but it works for me. Another thing is that writing this blog has a therapeutic value to me. I share what I think and somewhat what I feel with other people and I find it relieving.
These are some of the things on my mind at the moment, all due to me feeling a bit down at the moment but I’m trying to be realistic about it and think ahead no matter how hard it might be. I’ve done what I can do and I don’t regret anything. It’s all a part of life and good things are bound to happen again so I can’t stop living now.
Why sex?
As always, human behaviour fascinates me and makes me wonder why things are the way they are. The ramblings therefore continues and this time I wonder why sex is so important in today’s society, mainly around young people.
My last entry, a couple of weeks ago, was about a girl that I said I would keep away from due to certain reasons. I couldn’t. I don’t fall for people that often but this was one of those occasions. For once, believe it or not, I was brave and told the girl in question how I really felt for her and things has from there on turned out alright. She’s an Amazian, a combination of the words amazing and Asian, so I can‘t complain one bit. Enough of the bitter old Henrik for a while now.
That introduction is the start of my thoughts. Why is sex so important to people?
When meeting someone you like physical contact is often a part of what you do together. It could be anything from hugs and simple kisses to full on intercourse. Take your pick.
The first couple of nights I spent at her place I can honestly and proudly say we didn’t have sex. She does however live in a student corridor with six other people and all of them kept asking her if she did have sex or just saying things that made it sound like we must’ve had sex and that it isn’t normal not to have sex. We also had the occasional banging on the door with sounds added as they walked by her room when we were there. When coming back home after spending the night at her place the first question I got from my housemates was “Did you fuck her?/Did you have sex?”. Why do people make that assumption that you must’ve had sex just because you’ve slept at a girls place. Maybe there’s something wrong with me for not thinking about sex as much as other people but it just doesn’t bother me weather or not I did have sex with this girl the first night I slept there.
Why do people ask about sex instead of the actual person or if I had a good time or not, with or without sex. I don’t really know why. I know I don’t ask people about sex since I have no interest in other peoples sex life. If they’d like to share something with me I will listen and if the company and situation is right I might share things with them as well. I do like to talk about everything but it’s often in a deeper context than just talking about the actual sex, it’s more likely to be a part of a longer discussion regarding relationships and just sharing tips and tricks between each other.
So why do her housemates keep talking about sex?
One of the theories I got is the age difference. It’s just a matter of a couple of years but that is still enough. 18 compared to 23 can be quite a lot. Another theory is the cultural difference since all the people I’ve noticed talking and asking about the sex are English and back home in Sweden none of my friends are that straightforward asking me about sex.
Why is it that everyone is so focused about having sex with other people that and that they can’t just have a laugh with whoever they are with. Be it for one night or a long relationship.
Spending time with some of my male friends the language can be quite graphic. Talking about their last escapades and bragging about fucking some girl in the ass. Why does sex has to be so serious, why does it have to be a sport about lasting long or doing certain things as if they are icrucial to having a healthy relationship and being happy. I must say I do enjoy having sex like a lot of people in this world but I’m nowhere close to taking it that seriously or feeling pressure accomplishing specific things in the bedroom. I’m doing it for the fun and for the fact of it being the most intimate thing you can do with someone you like. Something you share on a equal level and that both of you can enjoy in an relaxed atmosphere.
A couple of years ago I really cared about all the stories I heard and thought that you had to last for hours to be good in bed, you had to fuck someone in the ass as if to tick off a “to do list” and have a 12 inch penis. Exaggerating is really common when it comes to stories about sex and I‘ve realised that it‘s not at all about any of those things. At least not for me. Of course people are different and appreciate different things but at the moment there seems to be more about quantity than quality. Having as many partners as you can in a short period of time and then have as much sex as you possibly can. I’ve never been a fan of the old one night stand, for me its about feeling something for the person you’re engaging in sexual activity with more than just adding another girl to your list.
Another thing that I think about is why there is so much pressure to loose your virginity. A lot of kids are having sex and I know people who had sex when they were 13. Teenage pregnancy and STD’s among 14 year olds makes me wonder what the world has come to.
I was 16 when I had sex for the first time and I didn’t have clue about what I was doing. Putting on a condom for the first time and finding your way around the unexplored female anatomy is a quest in itself. My performance was not ideal in any way but it was nice to get it out of the way and not having to worry about it. I don’t regret anything but I could easily have waited a couple of years.
So where does all this pressure and stories about sex come from? Shall we blame the media or is it just a normal evolution due to the kind of society we live in. It’s a shame people can’t enjoy it for what it is and that they can’t have a more relaxed attitude towards sex.
You may now interpret this text in any way you’d like. Am I writing this because I have a really small penis or is it because I’m shit in bed and therefore I’m blaming society for making sex into such a big deal. Or maybe both. Whatever you might think I don’t mind but please take a minute to think about what I’ve written and ponder about your attitude towards sex and if that’s an healthy one. I hope it is and that you’re all happy, maybe I’m just imagining things…
Brain
These thoughts written down are a product of my mind working and going to places I haven’t visited before since I haven’t written it down or thought about it before or at least not consciously. In a way it’s a lot easier not thinking about things like this, however it’s precious to me to ramble and think of unimportant things. It’s something I can keep in my memory and look back at and see how I was thinking, in ten years time my way of thinking might be completely different to what it is now. My moral values might change drastically and I’m living as a hermit in the outskirts of some small Vietnamese village. Who knows…
Are girls the root of all evil? I doubt it...
However the problem has not appeared so far, it arose last night due to some critical information from a mutual friend. She has a boyfriend. Brilliant. Guess its back to square one then and hands off from now on. Not that anything has happened but still. Just frustrating when I kind of get my hopes up and everything crumbles around me. It’s not really a big deal, it’s happened before but sometimes I’m just a lot more sensitive about things like this. It comes and goes and most of the time I’m cool with it. Maybe it’s because of coming back to a house full of couples and being the odd one out. Seeing people cuddle and spending time together with someone they like around me all hours of the day. I don’t mind being single, it does cause you a hell of a lot less grief than having a partner. Less responsibility and you don’t have to take other people in consideration for all your actions, not that I would ever do anything inappropriate.
Celibacy doesn’t seem as bad as it used to or maybe girls are to blame for my misery.
Are girls actually the source of all evil or maybe even antichrist himself/herself? Are we being played like marionettes to follow their every wink without us knowing about it? Being to busy thinking about how to please girls that we don’t notice their mind games.
I know that’s not it and even it was true I wouldn’t want to believe it. It’s just my own mind playing tricks with me. Give it a couple of days and it will all be forgotten. Like I mentioned before, back to square one…..once again….but I’m not bitter…or am I?
How to pick up girls....I don't know...
Some of my friends are really smooth with the ladies, getting numbers, a bit of snogging and more. Some of them seem more confident around girls they are interested in than around other people. I’m not sure how they do it and when we talk about it it seems all so easy. So what am I doing wrong here? Here are some of the things that could be and are reasons to my poor skills of picking up girls. (Most of these things are in clubs unless something else is mentioned)
- First of all I do believe you need quite a lot of confidence, which I don’t have too much of in these kind of situations. I’m also terribly shy and can’t approach girls I don’t know at least a little. I can’t make a move on someone I actually like since I’m too worried about what they will think and that they might not want it. People are telling me just to kiss a girl with the argument that “You wouldn’t mind if a girl did that to you?” For me it’s just not that simple and it’s for some reason different if a girl were to do that. The worst thing that could possibly happen is her saying no or giving me a knee in the crotch and then I would know. I, however, can’t do it.
All the relationships I’ve ended up in I believe the girl has made the first move or it’s been a mutual thing, a moment without words so to say. Some people tend to drink alcohol to loosen up and it seems to help but I don’t intend to start drinking just to get lucky. The whole confidence bit is something I can work on and I’ve become a lot better than I was before. In some situations I’m more confident and around certain girls I’m more confident. Unfortunately it’s just random and not something I can learn from. - Alcohol is a turn off. Drunk girls are not brilliant, they could be the girl of your life if they were sober but with a bit of alcohol it all changes. I’ve seen it happen. I don’t mind people drinking but something in me puts up a mental block when it comes to a certain level of drunkenness for me to do anything with these girls.
- Music! I love music but at times it can be the most annoying thing ever. I’m a pre-party guy and I like to talk and discuss things to get to know people. When you’re at a club you can’t really do that since it’s so loud and you’re limited to:
”Hello! What’s your name?”
“Henrik”
“What?”
“HENRIK!”
“Henry?”
And so on…. Usually you tend to ask about each others names, where they are from, what they are doing (studying or working). Followed by a short discussion about the just mentioned job or whatever else it could’ve been. Hardly the deepest conversation and it’s not really time or the place to talk about the meaning of life either. I’ve thought about shocking people with something completely different but nothing good has come to me so far. Some attempts have been made with the result being strange looks or them just changing the subject. Haha, happy days.
I know that’s not really what you’re there for but still. I’m not looking for a girlfriend or the love of my life when I’m at a club but I just like to make up my mind about people before I do anything. - The fourth reason is combined with music and the culprit of this drama is dancing. All the action seems to take place on the dance floor. I don’t mind dancing, I’m not brilliant but I get by or at least I hope so…
My problem with dancing is, a least when I’m in Sweden since the clubs I go to in London actually play good music, I can’t dance to music I don’t like. Once again we’re talking about a mental block that can be erased in the right company or by me just forcing myself to do something that goes against some of my principles. Maybe I’m being silly bit that’s me. - The next point is signs. When you’re around girls there are some signs that you can look for to see if they’re interested in you. I can’t see these signs. In any other situation I can almost reads girls like an open book and understand why they do certain things (I will write a separate blog entry for that). This is partially connected to the confidence bit but it could also be the fact that I’ve been out of the game for the last four years and missed out on the whole dating and picking up scene. I’ll catch up in a couple of years. Haha. To show an example of my poor skills the following took place last Wednesday at a local club back in Sweden. Not to crowded since it was quite late and a lot of people had gone home already. This is the time to pick someone up if any. I was dancing and a girl is dancing close to me and moves in closer, body contact. I do nothing. My first thought is…”ohhh….it’s crowded in here…” but when I think back it wasn’t really that crowded. I’ve been told that this was a golden opportunity and that I should’ve done this and that. It was obvious that she was interested. Not to me however, I just can’t see it. Another aspect of this matter is how I put out signs for people to notice. All I can do is usually smile and look at them. I might talk to them but from there on I’m lost. Had a discussion with a friend of mine the other day that I emit a different feel than other guys and that could be true. Need to ask some girl about that thou since it’s just a theory.
- They way I look and am. From what I’ve been told I’m a nice and really friendly guy. I’m average on the scale of good looks. 6 or 7 out of 10 and more cute than handsome. Unless they are lying just to be nice to me… Like I’ve mentioned before I’m not too fussed about things like that but I’m more than happy that I’m being perceived that way. But herein lays the problem. Girls usually don’t like cute and friendly guys. Of course there are exceptions but from what I’ve seen it really is like that. I’ve been told by a girl that she doesn’t really think of anything sexual when she sees me. Am I asexual in my nature or just to plain? I’m the kind of guy that gets female friends more than actual girlfriends. I don’t mind but it’s odd when you here them saying they would want a nice guy and then go for the complete opposite. Maybe it’s all about the “opposites attract” and that they are all nice girls. Would this mean that I have to find the opposite to what I’m like?
- The whole deal with one night stands is a mystery to me. I know I’ve mentioned that I’m not looking for a girlfriend when I’m out and about but the thing with just hooking up with someone for one night feels odd as well as snogging someone you hardly know. I wouldn’t mind and I probably would do it if the opportunity arose. Just being close to anyone is nice, be it in a relationship or only for a night is not to important. The last year has been quite slow and always being around couples is the best to boost your morale. Haha.
My conclusion on how to improve my success rate from 0% is to be braver and have a lot more confidence in myself and from thereon things will happen. I know what to do; it’s just a matter of doing it.
injustice
I’m simple. I have no need to control people physically or mentally. I don’t care if a person doesn’t like me or I don’t like them. It’s just the force of nature not to like people. I really hate injustice whether it’s against people or animals doesn’t matter, it’s just wrong in my eyes.
For some reason however there are a lot of people not like me out there. I see and hear about a lot of people being in situations where they are being controlled by other people. It might be in social situations, workplaces or relationships but it can be found everywhere. It still upsets me how people tolerate or ignore the situation they’re in for the sake of other people before themselves. How they diminish their rights and live their life scared, oppressed or just in silence.
When you are outside the situation everything looks so easy but for the people caught up in the middle of it, it can be a nightmare. It’s so easy for me to tell people what to do and to come up with good reasons to do certain things. Changes seldom happen this way. The person in question must realize their situation and act from there. I must imagine it’s really hard to turn things around when someone has a physical and mental advantage over you. These people are often aware of their situation but the problem lies deeper and often there are emotional bonds that make things even harder. How you accept almost any kind of behaviour for the sake of love, or in a work environment for the sake of money. How you let people control, humiliate and scare you so that they can’t get their satisfaction. How they hurt you, make you cry just to do it again the next day. The worst part of this kind of behaviour is when you confront the person being used they have a tendency to defend the people doing bad stuff to them.
I can’t understand it fully and it’s a world unknown to me. It still upsets me and makes me shake with anger. It’s just so frustrating when there’s nothing you can do other than sit back and hope for the best.
I know I can’t save everyone nor do anything special. I just wish the best for people and for things like this not to happen to anyone. I just want everyone to be happy…and I know I’m naïve by saying that but you must be able to dream.
Just as often, or more, people have an invisible advantage over people that they use to get what they want. Not in the same sense as mentioned above but the casual thing. It might be a hot girl using a guy for her own well being, e.g. getting free drinks. This however is accepted and commonly known as social interaction with a slight twist. I however don’t fall for these traps because I don’t take shit from anyone, I can’t tell a hint nor buy a drink since I’m a poor bastard.
What's going on...who knows....
Back in the days...
I wasn’t bullied and I had fun but whenever something was going on I was kind of left out or busy with other stuff. Played a lot of handball, 5 days a week if I remember correctly.
At the time I really cared what other people thought of me and I probably tried to hard or at times not hard enough. Remember someone commenting on what I was wearing and after that day I never wore it again. I remember a list that the girls in my class made consisting of three categories. Sexiest, cutest and smartest guy and a total overall winner. I wasn’t last on any of the lists but in the lower half or middle of them. Remember being a little bit sad that my name wasn’t higher up on the list. I guess I was the kind of guy you hardly noticed, invisible to some extent.
There was a girl in my class that I fancied but I wasn’t aware of the appropriate method of seducing her so to get her to notice me I teased her in various ways to get her attentions. I can understand now why this method isn’t the most successful. I have later on been told that the girl in question really hated me because of this and I don’t really blame her…however…looking back at it I didn’t really miss out.
Never really said what I thought about things, didn’t want to upset anyone and pretended to like certain music just to fit in and get acceptance.
Remember a girl I got together with during the summer before 9th grade more because a friend of mine fancied her friend but I was happy with anything and didn‘t want to be left out. The girl was about to start in the 7th grade in the same corridor as me but when I found out that she wasn’t that popular among her fellow classmates I ignored her for 2 weeks and she broke up with me. I couldn’t even break up with her on my own and of course the saddest thing is that I ignored her because of what other people thought of her and how it would make me look. Can’t believe I’ve treated a girl this way even thou I was 15 and immature. Crazy I tell you. In the same year I went to the Czech Republic since we had this exchange with a school outside Prague. During this trip I got together with a girl in 8th grade that was far more popular than I was and it was a bit of a surprise to me that we got together but I didn’t complain. I have later on been told that a lot of stuff was said behind my back and that they couldn’t believe why she was with me. It’s funny how people can be upset over other people being together just because they don’t play in the same league. How they can’t deal with it and they even can be bothered talking about it. I was aware of the difference in social acceptance but I was happy with just having anyone liking me. It didn’t work out in the end anyway but I wasn’t to fussed about it.
It is amazing how the mind of a 15 year old boy works and how I now, 7 years later can look back at it and laugh. How different I am now in the way I think and perceive things. Now I don’t care what other people think of me, I am the way I am and if that’s not good enough there’s hardly anything I can do about it anyway. I don’t longer hunger for acceptance and attention in the way I used to. If someone doesn’t like me that’s ok, I can’t really be bothered with what people think about me. I got better things to do. I wear whatever clothes I like and stand for my opinions. Sometimes I wish I was back in school but I knew what I know now. That I was as strong mentally as I am now.
I can look back at my old class and I think of what I thought of all my classmates and where they are today. Not my meaning to mock anyone for not making the choices I’ve made but I can’t really understand why I cared about what they would think of me.
Not really sure what people thought of me back then, since it’s all just a matter of how I’ve perceived it, or what they might think of me nowadays.
Do they like me, do they envy me? Do the girls that didn’t like me back then now find me attractive?
The thing is, I don’t really care anymore, and thinking about things like that could drive a person mad. I got people that I know likes me for who I really am and they know what I think about them. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else.
These are the rules that I live after…
Take everything as it comes.
Do anything as long as you’re happy (and it doesn’t hurt anyone.)
Be yourself.
Simple rules that now makes my life easy and trouble free.
Länge leve alkoholen...
Allting är precis det jag trodde det var, det finns saker som inte för något gott med sig. Människor slåss, spyr och beter sig illa men dagen därpå är ursäkterna lika snedvridna som självklara...”Jag var ju full”.
Det är skrämmande hur man kan komma undan med saker när man är berusad. Skulle man bete sig i nyktert tillstånd så som man är då man druckit finns nog många som skulle vrida på skallen och fundera vad som försiggår. Prata skit om dina vänner, bedra din partner och slå närmast passerande som ger dig en konstig blick...så länge du säger att du var full dagen därpå. Min avhållsamhet till alkoholen beundras och kritiseras men det är något som jag väljer att acceptera. Kritikerna säger att jag inte vet vad jag missar och att det är okej i lämpliga mängder men fortfarande beter sig folk illa och vet inte vad som är lämpligt just för dom. Beundrarna tycker det är starkt jobbat och att de gärna velat vara nyktra. Och därmed är dubbelmoralen ett faktum. Vad är det som hindrar dem…skippa baksmällan och minnesluckorna. Ta dig hem på egen hand och spara in pengar till annat som du kan ha glädje av. Fördelarna är många...nackdelarna tyvärr likaså.
Alkoholen för inget gott med sig...se bara på ett sådant faktum att våldtäktsoffer ges skulden om alkohol intagits. Samhällets syn på alkohol kan ses ur mitt perspektiv, som ett samhällsproblem som kryper sig längre ner i åldrarna och orsakar smärta och lidande. Men allt oftast ses det som en sällskapsdryck där det behövs för att liva upp stämningen, har det gått så långt att gemene man inte kan ha kul på egen hand. Måste alkoholen vara ständigt påminnande om att ”Ikväll ska vi ha kul, vi dricker ju”. Jag lyckas alldeles utmärkt och många av mina vänner likaså...men vi är minst sagt i minoritet. Alkoholen är här för att stanna och det är bara för oss som inte dricker att ta efter metoden att skylla allt dåligt vi gör på spriten...länge leve alkoholen...
My Life. My Game. My Rules.
Take the vegetarian/Vegan issue for an example. To gain respect as a vegetarian/vegan you have to be able to respect the occasional thick minded meat eater no matter how obnoxious he/she might be. For example you can't force your opinions on someone.
I was watching BBC news the other day and some ex model campaigning against the chicken industry said that she could convert any meat eater in the whole world to become a vegetarian. I believe you are entitled to your opinion but there is no way
you can convert people who doesn't want to change. I can come up with several reasons on why not to eat meat but that would still not change my dad's views and make him a vegetarian. He might eat the occasional Falafel or Tofu but he is still going to hunt and eat meat.
In a sense my dad's view on meat and hunting is for me far more acceptable than the average guy sitting at home, going to the supermarket buying some meat whereas my dad put some effort into it actually going out hunting. For me, hunting is far more acceptable than mass producing meat out of chicken, cow, geese(foie gras) and pig etc.
There is still too much going on in this world that goes beyond my understanding, the way we interact with each other is in many ways a mystery that will probably never be solved. Why can't we just get along...and yes I know I'm being naive saying that but we can always dream.
